Escape From Tomorrow (part 2)
(We open to black with the caption:) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Previously, on "The Ben Stiller Show..." (We cut to a model for a theme park.) Announcer (v/o): It's Oliver Stone Land! Oliver Stone/Ben Stiller: (Standing next to the model) A magical place, where the objective is not to escape, but to confront. Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, back to the not Ben Stiller Show goes to Disneyplace! (Cut back to the movie) Jerk (v/o): So, Milquetoast McGee and his boy (Jim and Elliott White) continue stalking these Beauxbaton drop outs (Sophie and Isabelle) onto the People Hater-I mean, Mover. Elliott White: (Notices Sophie and Isabelle) They're pretty, huh? Jim White: Well...uh...pretty...I mean, it depends on your definition of pretty. Elliott: Is Mommy pretty? Jim: Your mother? Yeah, she's beautiful! Elliott: I think so, too. Jim: Yeah, I mean, not in a classical sense. More in an Emily Dickinson, kind of bookish, Tina Fey kind of thing. (We then cut to a clip from "30 Rock." She's just got married to Criss Cross dressed as Princess Leia in "Star Wars: Episode IV.") Liz Lemon (Played by Tina Fey): (to Jack Donaghy) You know, I'm attractive! I've got cheek bones and a pair you can do something with! Jerk (v/o): Then they (Jim and Elliott) follow them (Sophie and Isabelle) onto Space Mountain, kind of. (Sophie and Isabelle go to a green screened Space Mountain.) Elliott: Space Mountain? Jim: What's the matter? Elliott/Jerk (v/o): It's not really over there, it's just a green wall. Jim/Jerk (v/o): There is no green, silly! We exist in a bleak grey world of drab colorlessness! (Before they go to Space Mountain, Jim's phone rings as he sees that his wife, Emily White, is calling.) Jerk: Oh, that’s his wife’s name, or at least, a cruel nickname. Jim: More in an Emily Dickinson kind of thing. Jerk (v/o): Finally, he rendezvoused with “Emily Dickinson,” she chews him out for getting their son sick on Space Mountain, they swap kids, and he and his daughter (Sara White) continue their eternal quest for a plot. Maybe they’ll find one up in this tree? (Jim and Sara climb the steps of a type of tree house.) Jim: (To Sara) C’mon, lets go. Jerk (v/o): Nope! Maybe there’s one on this Island? (Jim and Sara go to Discovery Island and Sara plays around with a steering wheel.) Nope! (Cut to Jerk next to a mail box.) Jerk: Maybe there’s one in this mail box? (He opens the lid and looks inside) Nope! (Cut to Jerk outside a Kmart) Maybe there’s one in this Kmart? (We see Jerk’s POV as he goes in the Kmart store and makes his way to some nearby laundry detergent. Cut back to him outside.) Nope! (Cut to Jerk next to a wormhole in time and space.) Maybe there’s one in this portal to the future? (He sticks his head in to see a clip of an action scene from “Mad Max: Fury Road.” He then sticks his head out.) Nope! Jerk (v/o): But, the search is interrupted when some other kid pushes his daughter and she gets a heart shaped boo-boo. Jim: Sara! The other kid’s parent/Man on Scooter: (Laughs and says in a Southern Accent) You’d say they kinda bumped into each other. Jim: Tell your kid to watch where he’s going next time! (Picks up Sara and says to her) Let’s go. (He walks off as the Man on Scooter stares in befuddlement) Jerk (v/o): Do you have any response to that Mr. or Mrs. “Personification" of how the director (Randy Moore) views all Disney fans? (We then cut to Sara being treated by Disney Park Nurse) Apparently not! Christ, the first act of WALL-E had more dialogue. (As the Nurse gives Sara a band-aid, Jim stares at her (The nurse’s) cleavage and ass) OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MOVIE, HER FACE IS UP THERE! Yeah, we get it, he’s middle aged and sexually frustrated, his own wife won’t make out with him in public, and as we all know, men are entitled to physical affection and if ever a woman is uncomfortable with her man’s advances, it means she’s a cold, heartless demon from the 69th circle of Hell! Fine, now can the main character of this feature film please grow a SECOND CHARACTER TRAIT?!?! IS THAT TOO MUCH TOO ASK?!?!? Jerk: I swear to God, the cast of “Step By Step” had more nuance! Passerby (Played by Tim Crist/Shoebox): What’s “Step By Step?” Jerk: (Confused) I don’t know. Nurse: (To Jim) How’s she doing otherwise? Jim: Good. Nurse: No coughing or flu like symptoms? Everyone's so worried about Cat Flu now. Jerk: Ah, yes, the Cat Flu, that crippling disease that improves your reflexes, enhances your Internet view count, and makes everyone in the world love you for doing literally nothing. (He then licks the plush toy of Marie from The Aristocats.) Nurse: Children are most at risk, so we have to be extra careful. You could be a host and not even know it. Jerk (v/o): DAMN YOU, ANTI-VAXERS! Jerk: I knew it, this whole time, Jenny McCat-thy (We then cut to a split-screen of Jerk and actress/model. Jenny McCarthy, in a sexy cat Halloween costume, her cleavage is quite visible) has been creating her own personal army of cat people! It’s so diabolical, everybody already wants to be a cat, because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at! She used manipulation to…You’re not even listening to me, are you? You’re looking at her boobs, aren’t you? It doesn’t even matter what I said. I could be saying, literally, anything, you wouldn’t know. Because SpongeBob, canker sore Madrid, French Toast on Jesus, big riblet, and I have sex with kangaroos. Did you hear any of that? No, of course not, because you are transfixed on …(Jerk then becomes transfixed by Jenny McCarthy’s cleavage, which the screen zooms in on.) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): This message has been brought to you by “Vaccinations!” Jingle singers/Jerk (v/o): (Sings) If you actually listen to Jenny McCarthy, you’re using the wrong body part! (Cut to black with the caption: “Vaccinate your damn Kids!!!” We then cut to a Jim sitting at a bench at the park, eating a turkey leg.) Woman sitting next to him: That’s not turkey, you know? Jim: Hmm? Woman: What you’re eating, it’s not turkey. Jim: Well, if it’s not turkey, then what is it? Woman: You really want to know? Jim: Well, now you have to tell me. (Cut to a clip from “Pulp Fiction”) Mia Wallace: Now I’m definitely not gonna tell you, 'cause it’s been built up too much. Woman: Emu. (Cut back to Jerk staring at Jenny McCarthy’s cleavage. He then stops staring when he hears what the woman said.) Jerk: Sorry, what? Woman: Emu. Jim: Emu? (Jerk then pushes the picture of Jenny McCarthy, so that he and a clip from “The Naked Gun,” can facepalm.) Why don’t they just call it that? Woman: Oh, would you really buy it if they did? Jerk: (Sighs) Okay, movie, let’s break this theory down, shall we? Now, these alleged “turkey” legs of which you speak is actually one of Disney’s more popular food items. Jerk (v/o): And for good reason, they’re delicious, they’re filling, and they’re relatively inexpensive, the perfect meal choice for a guest on a budget. In fact, according to the Disney parks blog, they sell over 1.6 million turkey legs a year. Jerk: Now, every emu has…(pulls out his phone) Let’s see, multiply the square root by the coefficient, add the denominator, carry the five, (puts his phone away) two legs per emu. Now, I know what you’re thinking, "Yeah, there’s probably a couple of one-legged emus hopping around somewhere.” You know what? There’s probably a couple of emus with no legs at all, just sitting there, waiting to die. But, I’m gonna be generous and round up to an even two legs per emu. Now, what this means, according to the urban legend that you’ve accepted as fact is that: every year, Disney is breeding and slaughtering or at least dismembering 800,000 emus. I’ll repeat: Eight-Hundred-Thousand-Emus! (Yells) YOU EVER SEEN EIGHT EMUS IN THE SAME PLACE?!?! YOU EVER SEEN EIGHT EMUS, TOTAL, IN YOUR LIFE?!?! YOU’VE EVER BEEN TO AN EMU FARM? THAT’S LIKE FIVE EMUS, TOPS! AND THAT’S AN EMU FARM!!! EIGHT EMUS WOULD BE LIKE AN EMU PLANTATION! (Cut to footage of an emu) Jerk (v/o): Yeah, let’s kill this giant monstrosity of an animal for its precious extremities and fuck all this meat! That’s way more cost-effective than breeding (Cut to a bunch of turkeys) these jive turkeys! In fact, just for the shit of it, let’s breed more emus annually, that currently exist in their native continent! (Their native continent is Australia, where there are only 725,000 of them.) Jerk: And I swear, this normally wouldn’t bother me, movie. But, you know, for all the ranting your writer-director (Randy Moore) did on the press junket about how Disney is this “fake” corporation that indoctrinates everyone into their cult by shoving lies down people's throats, you (“Escape From Tomorrow”) don’t seem to have much problem shoving lies down people's throats! Jerk (v/o): And, honestly, that’s fine. It’s a movie and all movies are inherently fake, even documentaries use editing techniques to manipulate reality, and in fiction, you can totally make shit up. But, if you seriously have a problem with Disney making shit up about the fantasy being real, then more shit up-making won’t solve the problem! At least “Blackfish” (A documentary SeaWorld and captive killer whales) can claim moral high ground, you’re just saying, “Uh, fuck that company, presenting askewed version of reality, THAT’S MY JOB!” (“The turkey legs are really from emus” myth was not started by this movie, but has been around for years.) (The woman fiddles with the big gem, hung from the necklace she’s wearing. Jim is mesmerized by it.) Jim: Your necklace. Woman: You like it? Jim: Yeah, it’s…uh… Woman: (Doesn’t move her lips, almost telepathically) It’s what? Jerk (v/o): Ooh! Neat trick, movie! Now sing show tunes while drinking a cup of Strychenie. (After Jim stares at the necklace, he finds himself in the woman’s hotel room, hands bound to the bed notches, and the woman on top, having sex with him.) Jesus, Gumption! The fuck did this become a “Cards Against Humanity" round? (We then cut back to Linkara and the other reviewers playing “Cards Against Humanity.”) Linkara: (Reading the cards) “You haven’t truly lived, until you’ve experienced stranger danger and the primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now at the same time.” Woman: (Humping Jim) Oh! Oh, God, here it comes again! Jerk (v/o): Okay, this is way too out of left field to be anything but a fantasy sequence, right? Just like earlier, when he fantasized about ripping off “(National Lampoon’s) Vacation,” this is just another, even sicker, fantasy sequence he’s having while sitting on the bench. (The Woman and Jim finish sex.) Any second now, it’s gonna cut back to him on the bench. (She unties Jim) I can’t help but notice, it still hasn’t cut back to him on the bench. Woman: (To Jim, as she looks at herself in the mirror) You know the princesses? They’re high priced courtesans. Jerk (v/o): And the emus are really crack dealers. (Jim leaves the bedroom of the hotel, to find Sara and the Woman’s son watching an Internet video.) Jerk (v/o): OH, GOD, NOW THIS FANTASY’S JUST EVIL, YOU’RE GOING TOO FAR… (We cut to Jim and Sara taking a ferry back to the park.) It was real? He actually had an affair with a woman he just met, while his daughter was in the other room, watching whatever the Christ this is? (It looked like they were watching some weird music video.) It’s not bad enough that he just lost his job, but now he’s putting his MARRIAGE IN JEOPARDY?!?! (Cut back to Jerk with the Cine-Kyle, played by Kyle Kallgren.) Cine-Kyle: (Robot voice) The male protagonist is being punished for his male gaze, by being objectified sexually himself. (Jerk looks happy as we see the music and logo for the “Cine-Kyle.”) Jerk (v/o): So, let’s review: I hate Jim, because he’s a one-dimensional, schlubby, perverted halfwit, who, at best, can get roofied by jewelry, and even then, doesn’t seem too angry about it. I hate Emily Dickinson (White), because she’s a one-dimensional shrew who does nothing but complain. I hate Emu Woman (A few chords of “Evil Woman” from the Electric Light Orchestra plays), because she’s, at best, a half a dimensional conniving adulteress for no reason. I hate the damn wiener kids, because they may as well be cardboard cutouts. I hate the meandering excuse for a story. I hate the black and white, because it thinks it’s artsier than it is! I hate all the awkward silences, because they strike me as last writing, and mostly, I HATE DISNEY WORLD! Jerk: (Realizes) Oh, my God, I hate this movie. I mean, check all the boxes: hate, hate, hate. I feel like a man without a country here. I can’t, in good conscience, align myself with matter or ant-matter. Righteous anger has only sustained me for so long before I start craving an actual movie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the enemy or my enemy is still my friend, I’m just not sure which is which anymore. You know what, I’m only an hour into this movie, maybe…(We cut to a live clock of the film, which shows we’re 35 minutes in) OH, YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?! THIRTY-FIVE… (takes a deep breath and calms down) You’ve got all the more time to redeem yourself, movie. Almost one full hour to cohere all these disparate threads and make it all make sense. I advise you not to squander it...you’re gonna squander it, aren’t you? (Cut back to the film, the whole family is at the hotel pool.) Jerk (v/o): Pool scene! Okay, maybe something will happen here. (We just get footage of kids enjoying the pool) Probably something will happen here. (More footage of people in the pool) Hopefully, something will happen…You know what, I’m gonna start the scene over with a timer, to see how long it actually takes before something happens. (Five seconds in) Anything, as long as it’s a new plot development that moves the story forward and isn’t just a retread of what’s happened already. (16 seconds in, Jerk sighs. Cut to a clip from “Spaceballs.”) Colonel Sanders: Prepare to fast forward! (We fast forward through the scene, Jerk stops it at a minute and 10 seconds.) Jerk (v/o): Wait a minute, wait minute, he (Jim) fell in the pool. He fell in the pool (beat) and he’s fine, so it’s the pool equivalent of entering a room. What else we got? (He fast forwards to two minutes in) Oh, wait a minute, he is giving Emily Dickinson a present. Two full minutes into the scene, he is giving a present. Emily White/Jerk: Because I could not show for Jim, he kindly shopped for me. Emily White: (Looking at her Dumbo bell) Dumbo, Jim? Jim: What’s the matter? Emily: You got me Dumbo? Jim: Isn’t that the one you wanted? (Cut to a clip from “Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory”) Mr. Salt: All right, Veruca, all right. (We fast forward again as he skims through the scene) Jerk (v/o): And pointless, fucking argument like the ones they’ve already had, blah, blah. (Emily puts sunscreen on Sara) Sunscreen. (Fast forwards to three minutes in) And the French girls (Sophie and Isabelle) show up again. Is something new gonna happen with them or is he just gonna leer at them some more with, apparently, zero guilt that he just cheated on his wife? (Fast forwards again as we see Jim swim to them) Sweet, savory, gluten-free, Christ on a cronut, it just keeps going! (Fast forwards to five minutes in.) Okay, Emily Dickinson seems to have noticed he’s looking at the girls, maybe she’s gonna acknowledge this? Maybe have him come to terms with his midlife crisis? And... Emily: If you still want to go to EPCOT and see the fireworks, we’ve got to change and get ready. Jim: Then why did you put sunscreen on her (Sara), then? Jerk (v/o): OR THEY COULD BICKER ABOUT SUNSCREEN! Emily: 10 minutes. Jerk (v/o): (Upset) Well, what’s another 10 minutes when we’ve already wasted six goddamn minutes waiting for something, anything the slightest bit interesting to happen in this goddamn pool scene! (Fast forwards a few seconds to Jim, his face in the pool, looking dead.) Jerk: Jesus, when it rains, it pours. Jerk (v/o): Sooo, he’s dead? Did he drown or something? After dicking around in the pool for six minutes and calling it a scene, they just kill off their main character, halfway through the movie? I mean, I’m not complaining, it worked for (Alfred) Hitchcock and it might just be the shot in the arm this movie needs to… (Some lifeguards go to save Jim, but as they carry him away, we see he’s alive.) Jim: What are you doing? I’m fine. What are you doing? I was just playing! Jerk: (Pissed) This guy just tricked me into watching his vacation slides, didn’t he? Jerk (v/o): Back in the hotel room, Jim stubs his toe on a chair and…draws blood? Jerk: (Annoyed) The chair was made out of knives, who cares! Let’s just get this over with so I can walk into the ocean like a normal person. (The Whites make their way to EPCOT and see Spaceship Earth.) Jim: Wow, it’s a giant testicle. Jerk: (Confused, silent for a few seconds then yells) WHAT THE HELL DO YOURS LOOK LIKE? (He’s then curious and looks in his pants (which we don’t see); shocked by what he sees, he awkwardly walks off screen.) Jerk (v/o): So, with his life in shambles and his family intolerable, Jim follows in the footsteps of the great John Goodman and drinks his way through EPCOT. (Jim and his family eat at the Germany Pavilion) Jim: (Giving a toast) Deutschland, forever! (Cut to a clip from “The Big Lebowski”) Walter Subchak: Fucking Nazis. Emily: (To Jim) You’ve had enough! Jim: What? It’s Disney World! Jerk: Wait a minute, wait a minute, play that again? Jim: It’s Disney World! Jerk: Gary! Gary The Guerilla Gorilla: (Appears next to Jerk) Yo! Jerk: What the hell? I thought this was a fictional hybrid. He just flat out said it was Disney World! Gary: Well, obviously, it’s a fictional hybrid called “Disney World,” from a timeline where it looks like Disneyland from some angles. Jerk: Oh! Gary (v/o): Plus, you’ll notice he’s been soaking his brain in German juice, he’s liable to say anything! Jerk: That makes perfect sense! Gary: Of course it does. Now, If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go climb up a symbol of man’s hubris. (leaves) Jerk: Be home for supper. Jerk (v/o): Then his kids get a meet and greet with some princesses (Ariel, Belle, and Cinderella ) and… (Three Japanese businessmen go up to the Princesses) Cinderella: You want to take your picture, little boy? (The Japanese men start draping their arms over them and one guy gropes Cinderella’s breast.) Jerk (v/o): Apparently, the emu lady was right, they are hookers. Jerk: How dare you! How dare you besmirch the good name of prostitution! The world’s oldest profession has no place in a Disney park! (Cut to the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride, where pirates watch the an auction of a redheaded wench.) Pirates: We wants the redhead! Jerk: What? They probably want to discuss feminist theory and the virgin/whore dichotomy within children’s media with her. (Beat) Yo-ho! Jerk (v/o): And hey, remember the “It’s A Small World” scene from earlier? Well, now it’s time for that scene’s non-union, Mexican equivalent. (The family rides the “Grand Fiesta Tour with the Three Caballeros.” Jim sees the skeletons making scary faces and he vomits into the water around them.) Emily: Oh, my God! Jerk: Eh, don’t blame him, he saw the audience vomiting and couldn’t help it. Jerk (v/o): In the bathroom (cleaning his socks), Jim has another unpleasant encounter with Senator Lindsey Graham here (Man in Scooter); while outside, his wife (Emily) gets contact hallucinations, I guess. (She sees Sophie and Isabelle, the French girls, walking by with two boys. Emily sees Isabelle has a scary, monster-like grin as audio from the “The Dark Knight” plays.) Joker (v/o): Why so serious? Jerk: Oh, my God, they’re juggalos, this really is a nightmare! Emily: (To Jim) They’re a little young, Jim, even for you, don’t you think? Jim: Who? Emily: Those Parisian chicks or whatever they are! Jim: (Goes to Emily) Okay, let’s just… Emily: (Hits him) DON’T TOUCH ME! You’ve been following them all day, haven’t you? Jerk (v/o): You know, I think I finally figured out who this movie is for. It’s for everyone who saw “Jurassic World” and thought: “You know, all that theme park stuff was pretty cool, but I want to see more of the divorce!” Anyway, Jim finally reveals that he lost his job, and their daughter, sadistically, chooses that exact moment to want a toy. Sara: But I really want it! Emily: (Still upset) Damn it. Sara, I said put it back! Sara: NO! Emily: GOD! (Slaps Sara) Jerk: (Looking uncomfortable with that slap) Why am I watching this? Seriously, why? I mean, technically, no one’s making me. Why am I voluntarily torturing myself with these thoroughly unlikable people and the thoroughly unlikable situation they rode in on? Why? Why…Oh, yeah, because their surface level gimmick is similar to my surface level gimmick. (Ponders) You know what, I don’t like cameras anymore. No, I’m quite serious, if this is what we’re gonna do with them, than I want no part of it. I’m gonna go start a podcast called “Some Jerk Without A Camera” and devote the rest of my life to fighting the lensed scourge. See you never! (He turns around, but the camera is still filming him.) Look, I’m serious, I’m done with you, go away! (Turns again as the camera is still filming him.) But how are you…what are you doing? (He screams as the camera beats him up. We then cut to a technical difficulties screen with the shot of Jim playing dead in the pool. We then cut to a black and white clip of the end of part 1 of the Disney World episode of “Full House,” with the caption "To Be Continued.”) DJ Tanner: Michelle? Kimmy Gibbler: Michelle? Stephanie Tanner: Michelle, where are you? (Cut to the end credits. After that, we cut back to Jerk, looking disheveled.) Jerk: I apologize for the misunderstanding and reaffirm my allegiance to our all-powerful camera overlords. So, what, I’m four hours into this movie? Five? (We see the clock again, he’s 54 minutes in.) Jerk (v/o): Son of a cock! (To be concluded in part 3) Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts